How to lose friends and be happier

Dear Joa,

I've been meaning to write this post for a while, but I purposefully decided to delay writing it. Sometimes I do this, because when the inspiration for a post hit's, I am usually a bit agitated or frustrated, and writing it immediately would not be wise.

That's a little bonus piece of wisdom; when you have a knee-jerk reaction, and you're ready to react, maybe wait a day and see how you feel then.

When I was a bit younger, I cared much more about what people think. Don't get me wrong, I still care what people think, but I actively try and care less.

At first, you'd think that caring less is going to be stressful and maybe offend people (and it will) but later you realise that you're better off.

Good friends are essential to a happy life

As a starting point for this post, I would like to emphasise that good friends, are extremely important. As I type this, I realised that one day we're going to tell you about Covid-19 and that it was then, while being isolated from each other, that we realised how much we need each other.

It might seam menial, but a beer on a Tuesday evening after work or a call whilst driving to work goes a very long way towards overall happiness.

So while relationships are extremely important, they can also mess with your overall wellbeing when they are toxic. A double-edged sword. That's why it's so important that you get this right. And you won't at first. But over time you will.

No difference between friends and family

I know people say that blood is thicker than water. And whilst being a very romantic idea, this is a recipe for a bad day.

Just because someone is family, does not give them the right to treat you poorly. Yes, maybe you can give them a bit more grace than non-family. But being family, does not make you entitled to the relationship.

Just because a doos is family, does not mean they're not a doos.

How to spot a good friend

In order to get rid of the bad friends, you need to be able to spot them. And believe me, it's not easy. Often the more toxic the person, the more difficult it is to spot them and get rid of them, almost like a weed in garden.

Outward vs inward focus

One way to spot a bad friend, is to determine if they're mostly focussed on themselves vs focussed on others. If you find that a person is always talking about themselves and focussing on their own issues and never gives your life any time of day - then wake up.

You're not their friend, you're their venting outlet.

Don't get me wrong, there are times when one of the two in a relationship might be going through something and need a little bit more time of day, but if you spot a pattern that never changes - then it likely won't.

This is also a tip to be a better friend. Ask, listen, repeat and only then start talking, and maybe repeat this a few times before you start talking about yourself again.

Glass vs Rubber Balls

Another way to spot a true friend, is if you can not speak for a month of two, and when you do speak again, it's as if you just spoke yesterday and nothing has changed. This means it's effortless.

If a relationship takes tons of input and duct tape and maintenance to keep going, then maybe it's not meant to be. True friendships are effortless. True friendships are like rubber balls, when you drop them, they bounce back. Fake friendships shatter.

Challenge assumptions of entitlement - litmus test

Sometimes you realise, that a relationship has started to whittle out, and it's not what it used to be. Now it's become a lot of effort to maintain. Maybe it's time for a litmus test.

One way to test whether a relationship is a glass or rubber ball - is to screw up. You won't even need to try to screw up, it's just part of the human condition. We cannot help screwing up, we're human.

But the silver lining is, that it's a great opportunity to see how your friend reacts. If you're sincere, and you apologise for what happened, and they cannot get over it, then maybe their not as committed to the relationship as they would like you to think.

Maybe you were just a means to and end, and now the means became to tough and the end is not worth it to them anymore.

A litmus test is a scientific method used to check if a liquid is an acid or a base using special colored paper. In everyday speech, it means a single, simple check that proves the true quality, value, or future success of a person, idea, or policy.

The second way to challenge someone's assumptions of entitlement, is to not invite them to an event like your 30th birthday party or maybe a baby shower.

If they simply cannot bear that they're not entitled to a relationship with you, but that relationships are a two-way street, they maybe it's not meant to be.

Separate the wheat from the chaff

Separating the wheat from the chaff, has always been one of the most beautiful metaphors for me. It's the act of removing the wheat seeds from the rest of the plant, keeping only what's valuable.

Relationships are not forever. They take effort - and sometimes you do need to make the cut. In the short term, it might be painful, but in then long run you will be content.

Less is more, I've always been a strong believer in having a smaller group of friends. Friends who I know if I call them at 02:00 in the morning, they will do anything for me. Friends who will put themselves on the line for me.

I hope this post helps you to lose some "friends" and be happier😉